Just please do me a favor and just tell me you don't want to be friends with me.

Why ignore me and act like a little kid? 

Grow up and tell me, what I did.

I'm just fed up with it is all.

You should know more than anyone ignoring problems doesn't make them go away.

Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: fuck off!!!

I feel like my old self again, which is good, I seemed to have gotten a Confidence boost from the visit too Fitchburg when some random drunk girls told me I had to come visit every weekend (even know that's so not happening). I seemed to have gotten out of my funk, and I'm happy about that. I still kinda feel as a whole the trip up there was almost a waste of my time, being ditched, hanging out with only two and a half people (yeah that's right a half of a person) the time I really wanted to spend with them.

On another note I seem to have an uncanny ability to piss off everyone in my house on different days. Maybe when I'm my "old self" I really am hard to live with.

 

Current Location: Who gives a flying fuck?
Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: Everything by Bob Dylan

     Ok, so today being the day Mike Vick is going on trial for his animal cruelty charges. For you that might not know, a quarter back from the NFL was caught hosting/being apart of dog fights with pitbulls. Since I own a pitbull I find this behavior disgusting to begin with, but for a man that can lose so much and have almost nothing to gain, what the fuck were you thinking Vick? So I had this actually effect my family in a sort of way.

     My uncle works for a newspaper in Florida where he covers sports, he is now the editor of the sports section. He has a well known ex football star write for him named Deon Sanders from time to time (yes Deon Sanders works for my uncle). So Deon wrote this article about how dog fighting has been in Vick's family and how that probably help factor into why he fought dogs even with his multi million dollar contracts. So my uncle printed this article in his newspaper about a month ago and I guess the NFL wasn't happy about it. My Uncle has received Emails and phone calls threatining him saying they are going to "break his head". My uncle of course laughed these off, and of course nothing happened. 
     
     My real problem with all of this is in an age of Football where Pac man jones has a member of his entourage shoot people at a vegas strip club (allegedly). And where Tank gets caught for a DUI and released from the Bears. This time where all of football is in question on how their players act off the field, the owners of the sport seem to really show a shining example by threatening an editor and not even a word was spoken to the ex football star that wrote the article.
     
      I also find disgrace with ESPN's Sportcenter for last months segments of "a day in the life of" where they followed around a football star for a day, where they only picked certain players that have families and live "normal" lives, just to show how they are not all thugs. Which I guess was good for Football, but a poor choice for Sports center since they hand picked the players in a strange propaganda way of showing this segment. If your really looking to show your guys are not indeed thugs, show the good with the bad sports center, you never show when a guy donates money, but they make the news when they get arrested. they dug the hole themselves.

      If things keep going this way Football will receive a big black eye, but not as much as Basketball and Baseball already have. At least Football seems to have some guts when it comes to steroid punishment and how they are sitting Pac Man for the year (small price for someone not being able to walk again), but you give young kids (that shouldn't be out of college yet) millions of dollars and you thought what? They would buy bubble gum, they are still kids I bet most of us would buy stupid things and end up getting into some kind of trouble if we had that much money. Take away some of the money and the problems go too.

Current Location: Beyond the Moon and the Stars.
Current Music: "High School Dance" By The Mighty MightyBosstones

      I'm a bad friend, I think it's time to admit it to myself. I want to believe I'm one of the best friend's you can come by, and maybe that could have been true at one point with all my friendships, but none whatsoever now. I did something stupid, I believe I lost a friend over it, the funny thing is I'm trying to blame that person for it, but I'm an adult now, time to stop acting like a child, I fucked up, I fucked up, I lost a friend. Why does blaming someone else makes you feel much better than being a grown up and admitting you were wrong (maybe that's why everyone acts so much like fucking children!)? 
    I've been avoiding someone and not sure why, maybe because they treat me like second or third when they say I'm first. Which I shouldn't care about, but I guess I rather be told "Your third" than thinking I'm their best friend and being treated as an after thought. No that's not it, it's because your in a self sorrow fucking point of your life. You want to feel sorry for yourself and be alone, whoops fucked up another friendship.
    I got a few comments on me not coming back to school from people I would have thought wouldn't care, they could be acting, but so what at least they act like a friend (I'm not even sure I can pull that off anymore). People can say what every they want behind my back and I know they will (it's a part of life), but I never fit in in Fitchburg. There was never anything making me comfortable up there, School's not for me, I've come to terms with that, no matter where I am it's not for me, I don't like it. So now that it seems like I'm burning my ties with the place (in a self sabotage kind of way) don't be surprise if you don't see me again. 

    On a side note the last five people I IMed all seemed busy and either the conversation ended right away or we had nothing to say to eachother, I hate that when I IM someone with nothing to say, it's like I'm bored, now I'm IMing you to let you know that. I also have a feeling some of them don't want to talk to me, maybe they have nothing to say too. And this is what I do now, I argue with myself, countering counter points and such.

   Wow I just read what I wrote and I sound like a little baby attention whore. I guess that's part of it, not to be coy I am writing on a Journal where everyone can see, so I guess I am looking for some sympathy, which is in my opinion pathic. 

   I miss the old me, the one who was a good friend, the one who was a real man, who cared, who wanted the best for people, who didn't complain, who put others first...What happened to him. The old me would have said "So college isn't working out, fuck it, do something else." and like that I would feel better. Now I'm in self sorrow of how my life is over at god damn motherfucking 19 years of age. Maybe I should go find the old me, find him and ask for my balls back. It might be a good adventure.
 

Current Location: Wherever I want to be
Current Mood: sympathetic
Current Music: "Glycerine" By Bush

It's 3:30 in the A.M. and no one is up, no one too talk too. I had a rough night watching the Red Sox lose to the Royals, if only manny hit the ball another twenty feet. I never actually wrote a real entry before so I'm not sure what I'm doing. So if I'm doing this wrong forgive me.

I'm missing some people and not missing most, I found out what's my problem, so maybe I can work to fix it. My life is boring, so there's  not a lot to write. I can't sleep, I find myself sleeping less, and doing more activity on the less sleep and less activity on more sleep. 

Well whatever, I guess that's it. I want to fade away..................

Current Location: On the darkside of the road
Current Music: Enjoy By KottonMouth Kings

You make me feel like the most stupidest person on the earth.
You make me feel like a heartless bastard.
You make me feel like a terrible friend.
You make me feel like fool.
You make me feel like a shell of a man.
You make me feel like a hero.
You make me feel like the coolest person ever.
You make me feel like the luckiest guy in the world.
You make me feel like a scumbag.
You make me feel like a joke.
You make me feel like the only person in your life.
You make me feel like the guy with all the answers.
You make me feel like a the only one who matters.
You make me feel like shit.
You make me feel like a bad joke.
You make me feel like the light of your life.
You make me feel like the best friend someone can have.
You make me feel like the worst friend someone can have.
You make me feel alone.
You make me feel special.
You make me feel like I'm going to explode.

This is for the one who makes me feel all these things at once.

Current Location: around
Current Mood: restless
Current Music: Simple Man By Lynyrd Skynyrd

"Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. He says someone else has already said it best. So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong." ~ American History X ~

That is basically the point of this post, nothing more. I just like quotes, 'cause no matter what you're feeling someone else has already been there and said it best.

"Still I wish there was somethin' you would do or say, to try and make me change my mind and stay.
But we never did too much talkin' anyway, so don't think twice it's alright." ~ Bob Dylan ~

"Power don't come from a badge or a gun. Power comes from lying. lying big, and gettin' the whole damn world to play along with you. once you got everybody agreeing with what they know in their hearts ain't true, you've got 'em by the balls." ~ Senator Roark (from the movie Sin City) ~

"GSP spent the night in a hospital, I spent the night at a bar."  ~ BJ Penn (interview after the Penn GSP fight)

"No beer before 5 P.M., wait... did I just say that?" ~ Bas Rutten ~

"We count our miseries carefully, and accept our blessings without much thought." ~ Chinese Proverb ~

"Why don't you ask me what it feels like to be a freak?" ~ Manning (From The Amazing Colossal Man) ~

"A champion is someone who sweats to exhaustion, even when no one else is watching." ~ Bas Rutten ~

"Put the devil on the other side, I came to fight!" ~ Royce gracie ~

"May God have mercy upon my enemies, because i won't" ~ General George S. Patton ~

"Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain, You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today. And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun!" ~ Pink Floyd ~

"We can't all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." ~ Will Rogers ~

"That was actually taught to me by a dog. I asked, 'What's the best fighting style?' and he said, 'Rough, rough, rough.'" ~ Gene LeBell ~

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man." ~ Mark Twain ~

"We don't know who we are until we see what we can do." ~ Martha Grimes ~

"Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it." ~ George Carlin ~

"I didn't turn on the T.V. one day and say 'Hey, I wanna be an ultimate fighter'. I been a fighter, a warrior my whole life, and that's the way I'll die." ~ Tank Abbott ~

"Don't Take life seriously because you can't come out of it alive." ~ Warren Miller ~

"They say such nice things about people at their funerals, that makes me sad to realize I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." ~ Garrison Keillor ~

"In three words i can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." ~ Robert Frost ~

"So enjoy my good friends may these good times last cuz in this lifetime they come-n-go so fast, one day your sittin' on top next day your fallin' off fast. So enjoy my good friends make these good times last." ~ The Kottonmouth Kings ~

"There is no such thing as tough. There is trained and untrained. Now which are you?" ~ John Creasy (From Man On Fire) ~ 

"Anything is possible." ~ Royce gracie ~

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." ~ Yoda (From the saga known as Star Wars)

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." ~ J.F.K. ~

"Hell's waking up every goddamn day not even knowing why you're here." ~ Marv (from the movie Sin City) ~

"The price good men pay for indifference to pubic affairs is to be ruled by evil men." ~ Plato ~

And there are many more to say, but I think that'll be all from me for right now. If you want to join your more than welcome, share your favorite quotes something you couldn't say better even if you try...

"The Time is gone, the song is over, thought I had something more to say." ~ Pink Floyd ~

Current Location: Right behind you
Current Mood: sore
Current Music: Fight The Power by Public Enemy

Have you ever been so tired you can't sleep?
Have you ever wanted something, you just can't keep?
Have you ever been asked a question that you knew the answer to, but still said 'I don't know'?
Have you ever had a friend that turned out to be a foe?

Have you ever been 'Rollin' Rollin' On That Endless Highway, Highway' just looking for your exit?
Have you ever Had a bffl you weren't sure you even wanted to be your friend?
Have you ever been so tired that you keep walking, because there's no place to sit?
Have you ever seen a movie that just wouldn't end?

Have you ever gotten into a fight and broke a kids nose and put their blood on your forehead in the sign of the cross an stick out your tongue at them? (Scarier than it sounds)
Have you ever went for a walk at two in the A.M. with your dog because there was no one else that would walk with you?
Have you ever wanted to see someone so bad that you would really do anything to see them, but yet you talk yourself out of getting on a bus and meeting them, because you were afraid of hurting them?
Have you ever looked around and seen all your friends are just two faced and don't care about you, then when you think about it your happy you still have people you can at least call 'friends'?
Have you ever lost your imagination and can't be able to write or make up stories which was the only thing you were good at?
Have you ever taken a such a long walk that your body goes numb, but yet you notice you haven't broken a sweat?
Have you ever broken all your morals, but felt better of yourself for it?

Have you ever been out at 4 in the A.M. for a walk when a car passes you and you both look at each other as if to say 'What are you doing out at this hour?' But yet neither one of you have an answer for it?
Have you ever started a entry that you forgot the point of?

Have you ever wanted to choke a stupid cunt that ruined your life's neck only to realized half way through it was partly your fault as well?
Have you ever wore your 'sun glasses at night', then went 'dancing in the dark'? 
Have you ever felt 'what the point of having friends, I'm just going to let them down'?
Have you ever wish you could start over?

Have you ever wanted to kill Frank the Goat?

Have you ever looked around and wondered where all your straight male friends went?  
Have you ever notice that all your friends are female now?
Have you ever masturbated more than...Oh yeah female friends....

Have you ever stayed up for more then three days straight just because you can't fall asleep?
Have you ever had dreams that you know will never come true, but never stop dreaming about them?
Have you ever shaved your head just because it was a good idea at the time?
Have you ever read the paper in the morning and notice a kid you use to hang out with in high school died from an overdose and then you think 'that could have been you if you stayed on that path'?

Have you ever wanted to smack someone for saying 'It's literaly cold as fuck'?
Have you ever smack someone for saying 'It's literaly cold as fuck' Then asked them 'How cold is fuck...literaly?'
Have you ever been smacked back for smacking someone for saying 'it's literaly cold as fuck' and then saying to them "How cold is fuck...literaly?'
Have you ever found out it was your mom saying that the whole time?

Have you ever told someone how much you liked them to just be stuck in that friends zone forever?
Have you ever always been the 'just friends' buddy?
Have you ever just wanted to just find someone?

Have you ever been accused of a rape and then just broke down and cried because people believed it?
Have you ever wondered how your suppose to be friends with someone when they only want to talk to you when they have a problem?  
Have you ever wished you could go back and changed things?
Have you ever went on a rant that just never stopped?

Have you ever looked into your own eyes in the mirror and swear you were looking into the eyes of a demon?
Have you ever been so bored with life you pretend your someone else?
Have you ever wanted to say something to someone's face, but didn't have the balls?
Have you ever had dreams where your dying and are they the best you ever had?
Have you ever felt like an angel with broken wings?
Have you ever felt like a demon with a conscience?

Have you ever heard the someone say 'Do it now before your bones are old and your bollocks is all dried up" and laughed at the word bollocks and never notice what they were trying to say?
Have you ever wanted more people to say Bollocks, so you tried to bring the word back?
Have you ever just disappeared into the night never to be heard of again?
Have you ever thought your high school friends were more mature then your college friends?
Have you ever thought irony was anything but funny?
Have you ever thought you were the best at something, just to be beaten?
Have you ever gotten your balls busted?
Have you ever gotten your heart broken?
Have you ever gotten your hands dirty?
Have you ever gotten your hands bloody?
Have you ever gotten your brain cramped?
Have you ever gotten bored?

Have you ever wanted to say to someone depress to "go take a fuckin' pill!" only to know it would only make them cry?
Have you ever made someone cry?
Have you ever felt bad about your actions, but never made things better?
Have you ever felt like a coward for not making things better?
Have you ever been an scumbag?
Have you ever been an asshole?
Have you ever been the only one that understands?
Have you ever wanted a post to end so badly?

....Well I have. 

P.S. BONUS QUESTION: "Have you ever known someone that went insane?"

Current Mood: apathetic

I was bored and thought I should just make a live journal to keep in touch with some people over the summer and what not. I know, I'm very behind in the times. So I guess I'm just writing this to say "Hi!".

Current Mood: happy